Life
Experiences of Bill McDonald
From the Book
"A Spiritual Warrior's Journey"
Surrounded by Love
On the morning of August 15, 1998, I had reached what
I thought was the end of my ropes. I could no longer endure the pain and
suffering alone. In the early morning hours, I sat at my computer and sent out a
message that was a cry for help to my closest church friends. These people were
going to see a much different side of me than they ever had before.
I have always been a strong pillar in times of crises or
emergencies. I was raised to suffer quietly alone, never asking anyone for help.
I was always the giver. I was the one who was there for the other guy, the one
who visited and prayed for the sick, the one who gave or did whatever it took to
lend assistance to those in need.
In Vietnam, during the war, I was the one who stayed calm under
fire. I was the one who took the risks to give aid to the wounded. I was the one
who never showed any soft emotions—men do not cry and men do not need hugs! On
this hot summer morning as I sat there in great pain, I opened up a part of
myself that I had never explored. I was going to tell my closest friends that I
was weak and in need of their love. I was concerned that my tough-guy image
would be ruined forever. The following is some of the edited e-mail message I
sent out that morning:
Friends,
My skin cancer treatments have become very aggressive and painful. I
just wanted to ask you guys for your supporting prayers. My face is very raw and
painful this morning. I am feeling like I need a group hug to keep going on. So,
when you are doing your meditations, take a few minutes and send me some of your
loving energy. I must admit that my inner child wants to cry this morning, but
that macho guy on the outside will not allow him to do that.
I got up after not sleeping very well and showered. It was all I
could do to stand the pain as the water hit my face. I let the water run over it
for over an hour to get off all the old scabs and skin. My face bled and really
hurt. It is still bleeding now.
I cannot breathe without it causing me pain. My face feels like it
is in a frying pan. It is so sore and raw from the treatments I have been taking
for the last five weeks. The face no longer seems to have any surface skin on
it—it looks like raw meat that is all bloody. I am unable to continue this
treatment because it is just too painful to do so. I must see my doctor as soon
as possible.
I feel like such a wimp this morning. Me, the guy who faced 500
North Vietnamese with just an M-60 machine gun on my hip and a few thousand
rounds of ammo; me, who is not afraid to jump out of an airplane or face
troubles head-on. Now, I am admitting that I am in so much pain and discomfort
that I no longer care about curing this cancer. I just want the pain to stop! I
sure hope that this does not destroy my image, but this morning I just feel like
rolling over and saying enough is enough!
Okay, I know it is the lack of sleep and all the pain that is
talking here, but this tough guy is listening to his inner child this morning,
and that child wants to sit down and cry his little old heart out!
Anyway, I am just feeling sorry for myself this morning and am
reaching out for some hugs. Even tough guys want to be hugged once in a while. I
just needed to share with you this morning; hope none of you minded being a part
of my coping process. I just wanted someone to listen to me. I guess I am still
a little boy on the inside. It just seems to be easier to handle this pain if
others care about you. Thanks for listening to me this morning.
Your friend, Billy
I had been
battling this skin cancer problem since 1980, but it was only getting worse.
When I went to my dermatologist that July, she told me that unless we took some
very aggressive treatments immediately, I might lose my nose to the cancer. This
meant having to surgically remove all or a large part of my nose. The thought of
dying never bothered me, but having my nose cut off and disfiguring my face made
me depressed. Call it vanity or ego, but I kind of liked my nose just the way it
was, right in the middle of my face.
I began the treatment during the hot summer of 1998. As the
Sacramento Valley was having record hot temperatures, the chemicals were slowly
burning my face. I was willing to endure whatever I had to do to save my face.
By the third week of the treatment, my face was beginning to bleed and was all
blistered. When I showered, pieces of my flesh fell from my face and nose. It
was very raw and hurt so badly, but I continued doing what the doctor told me to
do.
What the doctor did not know was that by week three, my face was
totally infected with two different infections: one was a bacterial infection
and the other was a herpes virus that covered my entire face and nose. Around my
eyes it was so crusted from the infection that it hurt to open and close my
eyes. This treatment was to continue for three months, and I was only in week
three and already in trouble.
I kept calling my HMO to see my doctor, but I kept getting the
advice nurse. She told me that I was okay and to continue the treatments. I kept
calling back trying to talk to the doctor. The nurse told me that the doctor was
very comfortable with my treatment, and I was to continue.
My face looked so bad by week five that I looked as if I were
wearing a Halloween mask. I kept going to work but was having a difficult time
concentrating on my job. Finally, I reached that weekend when I lost control of
my tough-guy image and sent out that e-mail message. After that, all kinds of
things began to happen. When I went to church service the following Sunday, I
was amazed at the reception I got from close friends as well as from others I
really did not know. My friends had shared my message with other concerned and
caring people. What I was beginning to feel that day continued to grow into the
most precious moments I had ever had in all of my then 52 years of life.
When the word got around that I was asking for prayers, people began
to send phone calls, letters and cards, e-mail, and prays my way. I was still in
great pain, but within me there were great things taking place. The healing
processes were going to start with my emotional and spiritual illnesses first, a
healing from the inside before the outside.
The day after the services, I went to my HMO and demanded to be seen
by a new doctor. I made an early morning appointment, and when I saw the new
doctor, I felt my guru was working behind the scenes on this. In walked a young,
beautiful Indian doctor. She took just one look at my face and knew what the
problem was. She cut off some of the flesh to run tests on it, but she was sure
it was both a viral and a bacterial infection. I felt confident that my
situation was going to change for the better. She stopped my previous treatment
altogether and put me on medication for the infection. She also told me not to
go back to work. Had I waited much longer to get this treated, I could have been
disfigured. I went home to rest and recover. My body was completely exhausted,
and I had no energy to do anything. I was still having a great deal of pain, and
I was unable to sleep for several days. Nevertheless, I felt that I was on the
road to recovery even if it was a slow cure.
The following Tuesday, I got some messages about a special healing
prayer service at the chapel that night. Two dozen members of the Sacramento
Meditation Center got together for the purpose of praying for me and sending me
healing energy and love.
I was deeply touched by the actions of these people. I had never had
other human beings do anything like that for me. I reached out to them that
night as I sat in my own home, allowing their love to flow my way. I felt
surrounded by so much love coming at me at once. I felt loved and as if the
universe were giving me a hug. The energies they were sending me from the chapel
hit me with full force some 25 miles away. I even forgot about my pain. I
thought about it the next day while looking into the mirror; then, I remembered
the pain, and it came back. So, I decided not to spend much time looking in the
mirror, and not to think about the pain.
During the next few days, I felt like a child wrapped in the arms of
a loving mother. I wanted to let the others know what I was feeling, so I wrote
a poem and sent it out to them. This is the first verse:
Enclosed in the Hands of God
Stepping out from my long sleep,
I finally opened my eyes
And found myself enclosed
And wrapped in the loving hands of God.
Oh, how long was I asleep?
How deep was my darkness?
Love completely surrounds me
Now that I know ALL
Is but a part of you, Lord.
I had never felt so loved by so many people in my whole life. I
felt much peace and joy within. I began to see things about myself and the
illness that helped me come to a realization. Before the cancer treatment, I was
only a giver and never a receiver. It was as if I had been unworthy of such a
gift. The love I was feeling and that was being expressed from others showed me
that love is really a cycle. In order to complete this spiritual cycle, you
cannot just have people willing to give, but you need someone to be open and
receptive to receive all that love and healing energy. If you are not willing to
receive, you are not completing the cycle, and you stop the flow of love and
energy. I found this thought most interesting, and it brought me much peace.
During this time, I was able to open up some old childhood wounds
and explore my past while being held in this envelope of peace and love that I
was experiencing. While in this process, I discovered that my healing was not
for me alone. From the e-mail and other communications I received, it was
obvious that others were being touched in their own ways. People began to open
up and share parts of themselves that had remained hidden from me. The door was
open for healing to come to many of the group. Many who had sent me so much love
and healing energy were now engulfed in a healing process themselves.
Each day during my convalescence, I heard stories about how my
illness and healing had affected others in some positive way. It was really very
amazing how all this was unfolding. I also was getting better each day. The pain
went away, and in just a matter of days my face began to really heal. I
continued to feel so much peace and love. Let me share some excerpts from the
following e-mail message I sent out to those praying for me during this period:
Prayer Circle,
Last night I felt so loved and full of peace. Those of you who have
been praying and sending me energy have succeeded far beyond your realization. I
felt as if I was in a cocoon of love all night long. I had a great sleep and
awoke this morning with my face looking even better than yesterday. It is okay
to look in the mirror now. The infections are losing their battle to all your
energy and the power of your love.
You guys are better than family; no, you guys are family in the real
sense. I feel so much closer to all of you.
I am filled with awe and joy this morning. I wanted to share this
with all of you, so you can realize how powerful your prayers have been. We are
not talking just on the physical level but deeper within me there has been great
healing. You are all a part of this drama and all a part of my "good karma."
Billy.
I have
learned so much from this experience. Yes, there was pain, but in the end I
found that all that pain was nothing more than "spiritual growing pains" as I
continued to grow. I can honestly say that I would not have changed anything
that happened to me. I would not give up a minute of the pain if it meant giving
back all that I had learned and experienced. Being loved by others is truly the
greatest healing gift God can give us. The love that surrounded me during my
illness made me feel that God's own loving hands had caressed me.
#
Copyright 1998 - W. H. McDonald Jr.
